My wife has always been “high maintenance”.
When she didn’t get her way, she would, quite literally, explode - screaming, cussing, crying.
I distinctly remember the first time she did it - I was shell-shocked. I had no idea what had just happened. I thought I had done something terribly wrong and caved to her demands quickly. Immediately the tears disappeared, the yelling stopped and she acted as if the whole episode had never occurred.
I never thought to ask her what the hell happened. Obviously it must have been my fault. Questioning it just wasn’t something I would ever think to do. Manipulation and scheming wasn’t in my vocabulary.
I was extremely naive.
Over the past 40 years my wife’s “high maintenance" has evolved - grown. It no longer is just the crying and "poor me" act. Oh no. It’s much, much more. It’s “You’re a horrible excuse for a human being; a lousy husband, a horrible father. Why don’t you just go ahead and kill yourself? Get it over with…” more.
Recently I went searching for information on symptoms of being bullied - and what I found shocked me. There are many different types of bullies, from simple physical ones to the more sneaky and dangerous emotional ones.
I’m going to share with you the list I found - and the knowledge that my wife exhibits each and every symptom.
Does your girlfriend or wife yell, scream, and swear at you? Do you feel like you can’t talk to anyone about your relationship because they just wouldn’t understand? Is your relationship making you feel like you’re slowly going crazy?
If so, you’re probably involved with a woman who is an emotionally abusive bully. Most men don’t want to admit that they’re in an abusive relationship. They describe the relationship and their girlfriend/wife using other terms like crazy, emotional, controlling, bossy, domineering, constant conflict, or volatile. If you use words like this to describe your relationship, odds are you’re being emotionally abused.
Do you recognize any of the following behaviors?
1) Bullying. If she doesn’t get her way, there’s hell to pay. She wants to control you and resorts to emotional intimidation to do it. She uses verbal assaults and threats in order to get you to do what she wants. It makes her feel powerful to make you feel bad. People with a Narcissistic personality are often bullies.
Result: You lose your self-respect and feel outnumbered, sad, and alone. You develop a case of Stockholm Syndrome, in which you identify with the aggressor and actually defend her behavior to others.
2) Unreasonable expectations. No matter how hard you try and how much you give, it’s never enough. She expects you to drop whatever you’re doing and attend to her needs. No matter the inconvenience, she comes first. She has an endless list of demands that no one mere mortal could ever fulfill.
Common complaints include: You’re not romantic enough, you don’t spend enough time with me, you’re not sensitive enough, you’re not smart enough to figure out my needs, you’re not making enough money, you’re not FILL IN THE BLANK enough. Basically, you’re not enough, because there’s no pleasing this woman. No one will ever be enough for her, so don’t take it to heart.
Result: You’re constantly criticized because you’re not able to meet her needs and experience a sense of learned helplessness. You feel powerless and defeated because she puts you in no-win situations.
3) Verbal attacks. This is self-explanatory. She employs schoolyard name calling, pathologizing (e.g., armed with a superficial knowledge of psychology she uses diagnostic terms like labile, paranoid, narcissistic, etc. for a 50-cent version of name calling), criticizing, threatening, screaming, yelling, swearing, sarcasm, humiliation, exaggerating your flaws, and making fun of you in front of others, including your children and other people she’s not intimidated by. Verbal assault is another form of bullying, and bullies only act like this in front of those whom they don’t fear or people who let them get away with their bad behavior.
Result: Your self-confidence and sense of self-worth all but disappear. You may even begin to believe the horrible things she says to you.
4) Gaslighting. “I didn’t do that. I didn’t say that. I don’t know what you’re talking about. It wasn’t that bad. You’re imagining things. Stop making things up.” If the woman you’re involved with is prone to Borderline or Narcissistic rage episodes, in which she spirals into outer orbit, she may very well not remember things she’s said and done. However, don’t doubt your perception and memory of events. They happened and they are that bad. (Ed: This happen on June 3 while in Florida. She went off because I wouldn’t give her my password for my work cell phone so she could see what I’ve been saying about her on it (nothing). She said things that can never be unsaid, never retracted. And yet, she innocently denies ever saying them).
Result: Her gaslighting behavior may cause you to doubt your own sanity. It’s crazy-making behavior that leaves you feeling confused, bewildered, and helpless.
5) Unpredictable responses. Round and round and round she goes. Where she’ll stop, nobody knows. She reacts differently to you on different days or at different times. For example, on Monday, it’s ok for you to Blackberry work email in front of her. On Wednesday, the same behavior is “disrespectful, insensitive, you don’t love me, you’re a self-important jerk, you’re a workaholic.” By Friday, it could be okay for you to Blackberry again.
Telling you one day that something’s alright and the next day that it’s not is emotionally abusive behavior. It’s like walking through a landmine in which the mines shift location.
Result: You’re constantly on edge, walking on eggshells, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is a trauma response. You’re being traumatized by her behavior. Because you can’t predict her responses, you become hypervigilant to any change in her mood or potential outburst, which leaves you in a perpetual state of anxiety and possibly fear. It’s a healthy sign to be afraid of this behavior. It’s scary. Don’t feel ashamed to admit it.
6) Constant Chaos. She’s addicted to conflict. She gets a charge from the adrenaline and drama. She may deliberately start arguments and conflict as a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid being called on her bullshit, to avoid feeling inferior or, bewilderingly, as an attempt to avoid being abandoned. She may also pick fights to keep you engaged or as a way to get you to react to her with hostility, so that she can accuse you of being abusive and she can play the victim. This maneuver is a defense mechanism called projective identification.
Result: You become emotionally punch drunk. You’re left feeling dazed and confused, not knowing which end is up. This is highly stressful because it also requires you to be hypervigilant and in a constant state of defense for incoming attacks.
7) Emotional Blackmail. She threatens to abandon you, to end the relationship, or give you the cold shoulder if you don’t play by her rules. She plays on your fears, vulnerabilities, weaknesses, shame, values, sympathy, compassion, and other “buttons” to control you and get what she wants.
Result: You feel manipulated, used, and controlled.
8) Rejection. She ignores you, won’t look at you when you’re in the same room, gives you the cold shoulder, withholds affection, withholds sex, declines or puts down your ideas, invitations, suggestions, and pushes you away when you try to be close. After she pushes you as hard and as far away as she can, she’ll try to be affectionate with you. You’re still hurting from her previous rebuff or attack and don’t respond. Then she accuses you of being cold and rejecting, which she’ll use as an excuse to push you away again in the future.
Result: You feel undesirable, unwanted, and unlovable. You believe no one else would want you and cling to this abusive woman, grateful for whatever scraps of infrequent affection she shows you.
9) Withholding affection and sex. This is another form of rejection and emotional blackmail. It’s not just about sex, it’s about withholding physical, psychological, and emotional nurturing. It includes a lack of interest in what’s important to you–your job, family, friends, hobbies, activities–and being uninvolved, emotionally detached or shut down with you.
Result: You have a transactional relationship in which you have to perform tasks, buy her things, “be nice to her,” or give into her demands in order to receive love and affection from her. You don’t feel loved and appreciated for who you are, but for what you do for her or buy her.
10) Isolating. She demands or acts in ways that cause you to distance yourself from your family, friends, or anyone that would be concerned for your well-being or a source of support. This typically involves verbally trashing your friends and family, being overtly hostile to your family and friends, or acting out and starting arguments in front of others to make it as unpleasant as possible for them to be around the two of you.
Result: This makes you completely dependent upon her. She takes away your outside sources of support and/or controls the amount of interaction you have with them. You’re left feeling trapped and alone, afraid to tell anyone what really goes on in your relationship because you don’t think they’ll believe you.
You don’t have to accept emotional abuse in your relationship. You can get help or you can end it. Most emotionally abusive women don’t want help. They don’t think they need it. They are the professional victims, bullies, narcissists, and borderlines. They’re abusive personality types and don’t know any other way to act in relationships.
Life is too short to spend one more second in this kind of relationship. If your partner won’t admit she has a problem and agree to get help, real help, then it’s in your best interest to get support, get out, and stay out.
Reference: http://meanttobehappy.com/15-signs-you-may-be-an-emotional-bully-and-what-to-do-about-it/
And still a bit more …
Anger
Anger is an effective way to control an argument. It allows you to avoid discussion, give and take, compromise and the vulnerability of seeing the situation from the other side, maybe even being wrong. So just explode and be done with it! No need to negotiate. No need to discus. And if the person you start yelling at has a low threshold of tolerance for conflict or fears the escalation affecting the kids or neighbors, then throwing a fit is perhaps the best way to always get your way. And that’s what bullies do, after all: They push and shove until they get what they want. The hard work of becoming the kind of person deserving of respect is traded in for the relative ease of instilling fear.
Accusations
“You make me …” “You’re such a …” “You always …” “If you really loved me, you would …” By leveling accusations (especially the unfounded or exaggerated kind), you effectively push your opponent into the corner. By blaming them, you remove the responsibility for trying to understand their position or playing by the Golden Rule from your shoulders. When you see the person you’re arguing with as an opponent to be beat, someone you’re in battle with, rather than a partner working toward agreement, coming to a shared understanding, what’s said matters less than who wins—when in truth, nobody wins in such circumstances, at least not in the long-run. This way, you can feel justified in taking some course of action a responsible person never would. After all, if it’s someone else’s fault; you’re not responsible; they brought this all on themselves; it’s their fault I’m blaming, accusing, interrupting or crying!
Crying
For most people, crying is not likely a tool used to intentionally manipulating the outcome of a disagreement. At least not consciously. The tears are often a learned response to stress or disagreement or confrontation. You interpret the disagreement as somehow a slap in your face and equate it with rejection. But crying can nonetheless manipulate a disagreement to your favor.
Destruction
You Slam Doors and Throw the Remote Control across the Room This tactic for bullying your way deeper into what you want is only one step down from actual physical bullying. Throwing objects around the house, even if not at the person is still an act of violence. It’s intimidation. And it’s wrong. If you feel the urge welling up inside, put yourself on timeout. Go cool off. Come back when the bullying impulse has disappeared and the adult has come back home. If when you return, the urge to break something comes back, go cool off again, as many times as it takes to stay in control — of yourself, that is!
You Punish
This sort of passive aggressive behavior is meant to punish the other person into submission. And if this isn’t emotional bullying, nothing is! You ignore, hang up and give the silent treatment. You let them know in no uncertain terms that they are (or soon will be) in the doghouse for daring to argue with you.
You Seek Revenge
Silent treatments and the like can be a sort of revenge, for sure. But revenge-seeking includes so much more as well. Withholding sex, leaving chores undone, coming home late on purpose, going to the bar, moving out, even sustained anger can be used as a form of getting back at another person. All such behavior is immature, selfish and mean-spirited. They are tactics of the bully and have to stop.
You Threaten
Have you ever threatened divorce, suicide or unfaithfulness during an argument? Advanced emotional bullying practitioners will be familiar with the threat-card. It’s a powerful tool for getting what you want … and sometimes even more. Those who are emotional bullies are usually those who have deep emotional wounds, tender and painful. The problem is that in their panic to hold on to something they feel has slipped (or is slipping) away, they do the very thing that loses the others’ respect, love and empathy. It is self-sabotage. It is a self-inflicting wound. And trust is the blood the relationship loses as it drains from the open wound self-inflicted.
You Unbury the Dead
Do you reach back as far as you can go to make the point you want to make, dredging up what should rightly be left in the past? Are you more concerned with winning the point than honoring the right to keep past mistakes that have long been overcome, stopped, corrected, made up for, repented of, buried there? Are you more interested in beating your opponent into submission that honoring human decency? People have the right to change. And once changed, to be treated as that changed person. Otherwise, you may win the battle, but at a tremendously high cost.
No one’s Feelings Count … (but yours)
If you have placed your heart in the position of being the lifeblood of your relationship, it becomes easier to justify bully tactics because your feelings are the only feelings to be considered in a fight. But tears should never justify bad behavior. Feelings should never trump values and human decency. Anger can be communicated without viciousness. But if only your feelings count, then what you say in an argument and how you say it becomes irrelevant. After all, it’s only your heart that matters, right?
Preemptive Anger
If your temperature gauge is always set at anger as your first response to, well, everything, you can successfully manipulate disagreements to your favor almost every time by virtue of your reputation. Knowing how you will likely reply (because that’s how you almost always have) your partner may throw in the towel long before the main event even begins just to avoid an emotional slugfest.
Yes. My wife is a bully. After 40+ years, I’ve had enough.
